Leave Me Alone;
I'm Trying!!!

So, I would keep oscillating like a pendulum in a grandfather's clock between not having the energy or the incentive to do anything but continuing to indulge in an unbalanced lifestyle, from a bad diet to lack of exercise to little meditation, spiritual practices and inspirational readings to reactive thoughts and emotions, all the way to trying so hard to fix every aspect of my life and make it perfect that I'd make myself sicker in the process. And this pattern went on for years, and sometimes I still repeat it to a certain extent. My yoga teacher swears I'm much better than I used to be, though, and the pendulum doesn't swing too far to either side anymore... Thank God for small blessings.

I kept trying to find the answers by reading books, taking classes, listening to masters. I have a huge pile of self-help books (some of which I haven't even opened yet), not to mention CDs and DVDs from many of the workshops I attended, because there's always one friend or another who recommends the latest method as the one that made all the difference. And I tried a little bit of pretty much everything, down to going through a tribal cleansing ritual, where I was smudged with a feather and burning sage while being spit upon with some sacred liquid concoction (which may sound gross, but it turned out to be a very interesting and powerful experience, I gotta say!).

The books I did read and workshops I attended brought up yet more pressure. One teacher would say: "You are trying too hard. Relax and be." Another would say: "It takes commitment, discipline, dedication. Every effort you make towards your spiritual development is a deposit you make in your soul bank." Or: "Your problem is, you think you have time. If not you, who? If not now, when?" A bit confusing, it got.

The funniest, yet potentially confusing challenge is to have to pick and choose among the interesting labels you might be given depending on which workshop you are attending. I've been diagnosed as an Indigo Adult, an earth-bound Angel, a representative of an alien race who chose to incarnate during these times of change to help the Earthlings through the big shift, etc. How can one possibly decide which one is the coolest??? (I probably should go with all of the above; why limit myself?) And I'm just one of the colorful people you might meet at this type of workshop. I mean, let's face it: this type of stuff attracts a lot of nut jobs. I'm not even sure I'm not a total nut case myself. My only saving grace may be that I can laugh about it all (when I'm not obsessing and freaking out, that is). Oh, and I also love to dance; I hope that helps.

Not to mention how frustrating it was to observe the other people in the seminars and classes I attended in the beginning of my process.